Passion vs Weakness
by samcedesbmw
Summary: "Is his influence over me, influence that would lead to me to do questionable and uncharacteristic things, a sign of how much I truly love him? Or is it just a weakness?" Rewrite of On My Way.


**Disclaimer:** I clearly don't own glee. If I did, this was how the episode On My Way would have played out...

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><p>"So right now I want you all to think of something that you're looking forward to, big things," requests Mr. Schue.<p>

The whole glee club is sitting on the auditorium stage, all facing each other, trying to understand Dave Karofsky's struggle while putting it into perspective within our own lives.

Sam is unsurprisingly the first to speak. His boldness is something that I had always admired and respected about him. It was something that made his fight for me so persistent, which made him even harder to resist.

"Someday I want to earn enough money to buy my folks a new place, so they don't ever have to go through losing their home again," I hear him say. It takes all of my willpower not to crawl over and hug him.

I don't like where my thoughts are headed so I try to distract myself with speaking. "I uh…" _stop thinking about Sam_, I scream in my head, _everyone is staring at you._

I nearly say something light about Rick "The Stick" getting slushied or meeting Rachel's future children just to get the attention off of me. But this is more than some lame joke. How I see my future is important because it's becoming alarmingly aware that some people truly see no future for themselves.

"I'm most looking forward to winning my first Grammy, and having all of you to thank in my acceptance speech."

I see several smiles as my eyes, with a mind of their own, fly directly to Sam. It comes as no surprise to see him staring straight at me. I _know_ what he is thinking. My brain flashes back to us walking together in the hallway.

"_Think you're gonna get married someday?"  
>"After I win my first Grammy."<br>"Have any idea who the guy's gonna be cuz I know this awesome dude who's great at impressions and totally into you." _

My heart literally aches as I think about how he had looked at me that day. His eyes had held so much hope and excitement and in some way a sense of knowing. Like he knew something I didn't.

But not anymore. Now it was different. His eyes look empty and sad. It _kills_ me.

Breaking up with Shane was supposed to make things easier. But it just proved to be even more confusing and torturous. I break our eye contact and glance at Puck as he sheepishly admits his desire to graduate.

The next few minutes go by as a blur as I struggle to keep my mind off of Sam. It has been two weeks since I told him that I needed some time alone, and although I know that I'm not ready to be with him again, I fear that I may have already lost him.

Ever since I sang to him on Valentine's Day things changed between us drastically. No more flirting by my locker, shared smiles in glee club, random texts, or secret touches and handholding.

A big part of me feels like he's given up on me, and I honestly don't blame him. But he still looks. Not as often or as obvious as before, but it's still there.

I can feel it every time his eyes bore into my back as I walk past him in math class. Or when his gaze lingers a little too long after every time I speak in our God Squad meetings.

Thank the Lord for Joe and Quinn joining the group when they did or our meetings would be even more unbearable than they were in the months prior.

I pull myself out of my thoughts just time to smile sweetly at Rachel after she shares her excitement of staying friends with all of us for the rest of our lives. It's a nice thought, but I know at least half of these people are most looking forward to _not_ dealing with Rachel for the rest of our lives.

Lastly Rory, with his words close to just sounding like absolute gibberish, speaks, "I know it sounds silly, and the peanut butter really is amazing Mr. Schue, but do you know what I'm looking forward to? Winning at regionals."

The noise level in the room quickly rises as excitement and nervousness spreads around the circle as last minute details and worries are being discussed.

"Okay everyone, you all have one hour before we have to meet in the choir room! Make sure you grab something to eat because it's going to be a long night!" announces Mr. Schue.

We all quickly make our way out of the auditorium and I walk with Kurt and Blaine as they discuss the classiest yet quickest restaurant to eat at before we have to be back.

I see Sam alone digging in his locker and I tell Kurt that I'll catch up with them later. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't just walk over there and start talking! I don't even know what I want to say exactly! I just hate how things are between us.

He's already on his fourth rotation of chapstick around his lips. If I don't do something now I will lose my opportunity.

_Just be bold, _I tell myself. Nothing can be worse than not talking at all, right?

I walk over to him just as he shuts his locker. "Hey Sam," I say, much louder than necessary and I see him jump. _Smooth, _I think, _I said bold not spastic. _"Sorry, I uh—sorry."

"Mercedes! Hey, I…uhh…what's up?" Sam awkwardly finishes. Talk about uncomfortable. It's clear we both have no idea how to act normal around each other.

"Do you want to go get some food? With me? And talk? Or not talk…whatever." I say as quickly as possible.

"Not talk? Like…you wanna make out or something?" Sam questions with a look of confusion and fear.

"Oh God, no I meant like, we can just eat if you want or, you know what, I'm just gonna catch up with Kurt and Blaine. I'll see you later." _What the hell was I thinking? Horrible idea. _The scared look on his face showed me just how truly how done with me he was. I don't know why I thought we could even attempt to have a normal conversation.

The embarrassment is starting to sting my eyes so I quickly turn away from Sam and begin to catch up to Kurt and Blaine as they walk around the corner at the end of the hallway.

"Matt's Diner?" I hear Sam say as soon as I begin to walk away. "Jacob Ben Israel was finally fired last week so I hear it's now safe to eat there. Unless you want to go there and just talk, or you know, not talk. Whatever."

As soon as I turn around my face gets hot as his suppressed smirk finally breaks free onto his mocking face. I can almost actually feel the tension melting away, and it gives me the reassurance I need.

"If you keep talking we're not going to have time to go anywhere," I say as I walk past him towards the parking lot. I see his body turn towards me and hurriedly follow behind me until we make it outside.

We remain a good two feet apart from each other as we walk to my car. It's a far enough distance to stand away from each other to make it extremely obvious that it's intentional, which is just enough to regain the awkwardness that had momentarily disappeared.

The drive to Matt's Diner is close to unbearable. The flirty and playful look in Sam's eyes I had seen back at his locker has been replaced by the one's I looked into in the auditorium.

He looks sad.

I want so badly to tell him how much I want to be with him, and that I just need more time. But I know that it's selfish of me to expect him to wait.

And to be honest, I know that I could never do what I did to Shane to Sam. I mean, it's _Sam._ He is the reason I feel so insecure about who I am when it comes to love. He changed everything for me. But if I am letting one boy influence what I thought were morals and values I had set in stone, I need to get a grip on who I really am before jumping into another relationship.

Especially with Sam.

Or not especially with Sam?

Is his influence over me, influence that would lead to me to do questionable and uncharacteristic things, a sign of how much I truly love him? And that we are so perfect for each other and honestly meant to be together?

Or is it just a weakness?

I push my thoughts to the back of my head as we pull into the parking lot of the diner. Sam holds the door open for me as always as we walk into the newly renovated restaurant. Its old dingy appearance has been exchanged for a bright and modern one. I can see why Jacob was no longer needed here. The waiters were swapped out for cashiers and the folded menus for one large one.

I probably look ridiculous but this whole change is actually starting to overwhelm me with as the pressure of Sam standing right next to me starts to set in.

I feel my heart forget to beat as Sam's warm hand grips my elbow and guides me to the register where a middle aged woman with hips too big for her pants and frozen smile awaits our order.

I ask for an order of tater tots and a drink because I don't think my stomach can handle both pre-show nerves and conversation with Sam.

"Are the two of you together?" I hear the woman ask as my eyes double in size.

"No!" I nervously respond, "I mean we used to be but now we're- I mean God!" I interrupt myself, "Can't two people just go out to eat without getting interrogated about the status of their relationship?"

The woman looks at me with shock and amusement. "So you'll be paying separately I assume?"

The word embarrassing could not even begin to describe the humiliation I was feeling. I just nearly verbally assaulted some poor woman about a relationship that didn't even exist with Sam standing right behind me! I have no idea what to do with myself until I realize I still haven't paid.

"Actually, we're paying together," Sam interjects. I start to protest but the fact that I am still completely mortified causes my words to come out in a small whimper.

I have yet to look at him but I can _feel_ him smirking at me as he gives the woman his order. "And for the record," he adds, "We used to date last summer, but now we're just on a break." Sam confidently states as he hands over his cash.

A break? Is that what he's calling this? Does this mean he still sees a future with me?

Unsure of how to react, I turn to find us a place to sit while Sam waits for our meal.

"So a break, huh?" I question with arched eyebrows as soon as Sam sits down across from me.

"You said that until you figure everything out, we can't be together. And unless you plan on never figuring anything out, there's still—well at least for me—hope that we'll be together again. Unless...I mean, you still, uh…do you still love me?"

Sam is looking at me nervously and expectantly and I have no idea how to respond. Of course I still love him, I just don't know what that means for me. How do I even describe that feeling I get inside every time I even hear his _name_? Is that passion or weakness?

"That's not what's important right now, Sam," I answer as my eyes drop down to my lap. His gaze never falters and although I can't see it, I can sense his hurt.

"Dammit Mercedes!" he shouts and I feel the table shake as his fists pound down on it. As soon as I look up at him I can feel the tears burning my eyes. "This _is_ important! I feel like I'm just waiting around for you like a dumbass while you're doing everything you can to forget about me!"

"I'm not trying to forget about you!" I yell back and I can guarantee that nearly ever head in the diner is turned towards us. "I'm trying to figure out why you affect me so much," I continue in a much quieter tone. "I've never felt so strongly about one person before and it's kind of freaking me out. It's like I see everything you do without even looking at you and I nearly kill myself over analyzing all of it. Breaking up with Shane was so difficult because I hated hurting him, but now I can't even find the time to think about him! I mean, what kind of person does that make me? He was so good to me and we were together long enough for me to at least be able to muster up some kind of sadness _two weeks_ after the fact but I can't do it. The worst part is, I know that it's because of you and that scares me." I finish my rant and suddenly the salt shaker in front of me becomes the most interesting thing in the room. I can believe I just said all of that out loud.

"Mercedes," Sam says softly. I can feel my heart pounding and I swear I can hear the sound of blood rushing to my face. "I love you. And until you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me that you don't love me, I'm not giving up on you. Not ever. I don't know about you but," Sam hesitates as my eyes slowly rise to meet his, "you're it for me."

His expression holds so much love and passion that I nearly climb across the table into his well-defined arms.

He really does have sexy arms.

But I know that I need to be smart about this so I mumble a soft "Okay," as I struggle to keep eye contact.

"I made you uncomfortable, didn't I?"

"No, I just…" I pause as I rest my chin on my hand, "it's a lot, you know?"

"Yeah," Sam nods. "We should probably be heading back anyway. We don't want to miss Rachel's pre-show half pep talk half melt down speech."

I manage a smile and we make our way back to my car.

The drive back is a different kind of awkward than the drive there. Rather than sadness, its eagerness that fuels my inner struggle.

My hand is cramping as I strongly grip the steering wheel in order to keep myself from reaching out to Sam.

Sam loves me.

_Sam_ loves me.

It's not the first time he's said it, but it's the first time it has meant this much.

Before I know it we're back in the choir room and on opposite sides of the room. Brittany is showing me the changes she made to the choreography and Sam is getting his bow tie properly tied by Kurt.

No matter how much I try, my eyes keep shooting back to Sam as soon as Brittany starts talking. She notices, I can tell, but she lets it slide.

"Everybody! Auditorium!" announces Mr. Schue.

I make a point to sit off to the far right of Sam in order to remain some sanity and get my thoughts in order before we have to perform.

The next 20 minutes are entertaining, which makes my Sam troubles subside for the time being.

Back in the choir room I manage to keep light hearted conversation with Quinn, carefully avoiding any Sam-related topics, while applying the finishing touches to my hair and makeup. I hear Puck and Brittany start to pick another fight before Mr. Schue interrupts, "Alright, guys, listen up. Don't let them get into your heads, okay? Stay focused on what we do best."

"Show circle time, come on, let's huddle up!" encourages Artie as we all come together in our traditional pre-performance huddle.

"Okay, uh…" starts Mr. Schue. "Oh, Finn, you wanted to start us off?"

"Yeah. I know it's kind of short notice, but…after the competition, Rachel and I are going to get married. At the Justice of the Peace, at the Lima Municipal Center." I heard Quinn's breathing falter as soon as the words came out of Finn's mouth, but my eyes went directly to Sam to gauge his reaction. I really have to stop doing that.

There will be some light refreshments afterwards," Rachel continues. "My dads and I were rolling finger sandwiches all night long." I glance at Kurt's dreaded expression and I can see his concern.

"With everything that's happened lately, we thought a lot about what Mr. Shue said. We didn't want to wait anymore. We just want to live every day like it's our last." That statement right there and the look on Mr. Schue's face leads to me believe that he is kicking himself over giving that little speech in the auditorium. He must be wondering what the rest of us took away from it. "So we wanted to thank a lot of you guys that were supportive of our decision to get married," finishes Finn.

I feel Quinn's grip around my hand tighten, but I can't help wonder what Sam is thinking about all of this. He surely can't think this is a good idea. But then again, he does tend to be strangely optimistic about things like this.

"And-and for those of you who maybe weren't the biggest fans of our impending nuptials," stutters Rachel, "We thank you also. So after we win, we would really love it if all of you would come to our wedding."

"Come on, bring it in!" yells Mr. Schue, with no doubt the intention of avoiding any protesting or arguments.

Our hands all come together in the middle and I don't have to look up to know the Sam's is directly on top of mine, but of course I do anyway.

"Aaaamazing!" We shout, letting out any worry or doubts that we are going to win.

As soon as I take my place on stage I forget about everything.

No Sam.

No Shane.

No decisions.

Nothing.

For the first time in months I'm focused on myself and what is happening right now.

The three songs go by in a blur as clarity and realization fill my mind.

I'm happy. I actually _feel_ happy.

I don't need a man to feel whole again.

I don't need Shane and I don't need Sam.

I am who I am and I will do what I want because I have full confidence that I am capable of making good and smart decisions for myself.

I am not a cheater. That's what I did, not who I am.

I am not weak.

I am Mercedes damn Jones and although the thought of a future with Sam that goes past a summer fling scares the hell out of me, it's what I want.

I want Sam and I am _so_ done with fighting it.

Now all I can do is wait. Wait for this damn magic vampire or whatever the hell he is to stop talking in slow motion!

"And now… the moment you've all been waiting for. The 2012 Midwest Regional Champion from McKinley High," My hand shoots directly out of Quinn's grip and into the air as I race down each step. "the New Directions!"

The noise, the excitement, everything is drowned out as I set my sight on Sam. Both of his hands are straight up in the air as I come from behind and fit myself directly between him and Blaine.

As soon as I get one arm around him I feel him completely wrap me in his arms as my feet leave the ground.

The minute he sets me back down his hand finds mine and our fingers are intertwined within seconds.

"I love you," I manage to mouth to him right before Mike comes up and envelopes him a hug while still managing to jump up and down.

His hand squeezes mine as his huge grin causes his nose to scrunch.

"Just you wait until after Finn and Rachel's wedding when I finally get you alone," Sam suggestively says in my ear, seconds before we are ushered off the stage.

This is when I realize that my feelings for Sam derive from neither passion nor weakness. He has simply begun to become a part of who I am.

Without Sam, I am a strong, happy, and fulfilled woman.

But with Sam, I become a better version of myself.

And if I'm being honest, I don't see myself ever letting him go.


End file.
